I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
