alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
