then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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