help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Randomize
