guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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