Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
