I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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