My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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