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"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
