Just cropdusted the office
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
