Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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