when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
