it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
