I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
