I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
