He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
