checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
We got so high we made milksteak
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
