Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
