oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
