I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I believe in your delicious
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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