he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I skipped work to stalk him.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
