Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
