girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
