dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
