walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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