I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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