I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Randomize
