if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
