FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
