We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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