I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Randomize
