I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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