Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
