I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
