i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
