Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
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