so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
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