I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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