So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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