i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Randomize
