no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
it's not cheating when I paid for it
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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