Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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