There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
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