yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
