You don't have asthma, your pregnant
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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