Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Randomize
