I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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