well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
