I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
