Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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