You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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